Adventures in Puberty – Part 1: Make your owner obsess about your feeding habits.

This is a guest post by Kaya, my 8-month old Akita Inu girl.

Does she know how to type yet, you’re wondering? No, but she’s as excellent at dictating this article as she’s at controlling her owner’s mind. Mind control is all this article is about, really. So let’s dive into the deep end of it.

 

Noble dog! Advise! Danger to touch!

Kaya is feeling a little smug about having me write her first post.

Hi, I’m Kaya, and I’m a modern girl – I know what I want and I do believe in feminism. I also believe in challenging the alpha bitch, as she seems to be bored most of the time, anyways.

Most people would say I’m a rather laid-back pup. I

  • chill out most of the time
  • stay at home while mommy works for 8 hours straight
  • I’m housetrained
  • and neither bark nor get destructive.

Wonderful, you say? Ha! Got you fooled! The real reason I keep myself in the background is that I need time to plot my takeover of this household without being pestered all the time. Who could think of playing or cuddling when one has to plan all these serious ploys involved? But, as you guys are such good listeners and readers, I will reveal my subtle plan to you, as any good supervillain would – so here it is:

  1. Control the food.
  2. Control the walk.
  3. Control the boyfriend.
  4. Control the whole goddamn household! *evil laughter*

I am currently working on: 1. Control the food. I mean, seriously, who does this bitch think she is (besides, well, the alpha who actually buys my food) to tell me, a righteous and honorable Akita Inu, when and where I should eat my food? Also, she’s determined on deciding WHAT I eat. For example, she has this ridiculous rule about how my staple food should be kibble, while I’m not allowed to get all of my calories from treats, and NOT AT ALL from dog poop. Yuk! What respectful dog could follow such nonsense?

Therefore, I have decided on simply not eating when I’m offered my kibble. Ha, mommy will be worried sick when she sees me not eating for days!

I think she might be on to it, however… She refuses to give me any treats, stuffed chew toys or rawhide now. She also takes away my food bowl as soon as I stop eating or even if I just sniff the kibble in disgust and turn away. Horrible person! Again, who does she think she is?! >.<

Pah, I’ll hold out longer than her. I’m sure she has never played a mind game before – she’s only a human, after all. And I’m smart and gorgeous right? People tell me so all the time. Pretty sure that boyfriend of hers thinks so, too.

Yes, dear subjects, go ahead and prepare for a change in leadership. The alpha pair will be switching females. THAT’S HOW IT WILL BE. At least after the alpha bitch realizes that using my little ploys, I AM CONTROLLING THE FOOD NOW. I such smart! Much pretty! Wow!

Until mommy realizes her doom, though, I will continue moping around the house and sneaking little, resentful glances at her.

Kaya moping underneath the living room table.

Mope mope…

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